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{"id":7989,"date":"2017-04-04T18:00:36","date_gmt":"2017-04-05T00:00:36","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/urban-plains.com\/2016\/?p=7989"},"modified":"2017-04-11T12:45:13","modified_gmt":"2017-04-11T18:45:13","slug":"hidden-ocd","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/urban-plains.com\/2016\/impact\/hidden-ocd\/","title":{"rendered":"Hidden OCD"},"content":{"rendered":"

Just because you can\u2019t see the illness, doesn\u2019t mean it isn\u2019t there<\/h5>\n
Words and Artwork by Kayla Parker<\/span><\/em>
\nVideo by Nadia Valentine<\/em><\/p>\n
<\/iframe><\/p>\n*Everything you see and hear in this video is portrayed by actors<\/span><\/em><\/p>\nI don\u2019t know how it started. I don\u2019t know why it\u2019s there. I can\u2019t tell if I\u2019m going to get better or if I\u2019m just going to keep trying one pill after another while the doctors play with my mind like a lab rat. Because it\u2019s not a switch you can turn on and off.<\/p>\nIf you look closely enough, there are signs, but you probably wouldn\u2019t notice that I have obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). Most of the time, these things are hidden. You learn to hide your scars and your flaws, because that\u2019s what humans do. <\/span><\/p>\nWhen I was a child, OCD appeared in more apparent ways. The handle of the sink needed to be touched six times, the right way, after washing my hands. The light switch needed to be touched repeatedly, usually in sets of threes. Hardly ever was it just one, two, three. I would start over, flip the light back on, and try again. One, two, three. Because simple things like turning off a light aren\u2019t so simple with OCD. And medicine, though it can be a game-changer, is no magical cure. Sometimes things get worse. And taking a pill is like trying to turn off a light for me. It\u2019s just a shot in the dark, hoping that this time, things will be \u201cright.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n<div id=\"attachment_7990\" style=\"width: 1134px\" class=\"wp-caption aligncenter\"><img aria-describedby=\"caption-attachment-7990\" loading=\"lazy\" class=\"size-large wp-image-7990\" src=\"http:\/\/urban-plains.com\/2016\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/04\/light-1124x991.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"1124\" height=\"991\" srcset=\"https:\/\/urban-plains.com\/2016\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/04\/light-1124x991.jpg 1124w, https:\/\/urban-plains.com\/2016\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/04\/light-400x353.jpg 400w, https:\/\/urban-plains.com\/2016\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/04\/light-1170x1031.jpg 1170w, https:\/\/urban-plains.com\/2016\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/04\/light-440x388.jpg 440w, https:\/\/urban-plains.com\/2016\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/04\/light-585x516.jpg 585w, https:\/\/urban-plains.com\/2016\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/04\/light-1250x1102.jpg 1250w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1124px) 100vw, 1124px\" \/>150 mg, Intaglio Print, Kayla Parker (Marple) 2016<\/p><\/div>\nI distinctly remember one of the first times I went to therapy, and I was going through the clich\u00e9 phase of OCD where I washed my hands all the time (and that is not to minimize anyone who faces this aspect of OCD, it is just to acknowledge that this is a stereotype enforced by the media). In fact, I washed them so much that they bled. I washed them so much that it hurt to bend my fingers because another half-healed wound would break, and my hands would ache and be covered in blood again. <\/span><\/p>\nI was in high school at the time, and my mother was there with me. In front of the therapist, she said \u201cShow her your hands.\u201d And I remember prying my hands from beneath my thighs, and I felt like a freak show character. Come see the OCD girl. Come one, come all. I fit the bill of an OCD stereotype to a T. <\/span><\/p>\nSo several years down the line, I forced myself to change my compulsions. If I needed to touch things, I was counting the items in my bag. Because I could just be searching for something in my purse, right? No one needed to know that I was counting every single item until I could breathe a little more easily. <\/span><\/p>\nMore and more, the compulsions become thoughts in my head. I was afraid nearly every time I drove that I had run someone over. So I counted the cars as they passed, silently, if there was someone else in the car. When no one was looking, I\u2019d check the bumper of my car for blood. The list goes on and on. My compulsions changed as I grew older, but the biggest thing was that they became more hidden. Because there\u2019s no room for weakness in this world. And this world still views mental illness as a weakness.<\/span><\/p>\nI\u2019ve hid my struggles for a long time, and I know many others do the same. I am one piece of this community that hides itself away. And I don\u2019t think it should be hidden anymore.<\/span><\/p>\n<div id=\"attachment_7991\" style=\"width: 1134px\" class=\"wp-caption aligncenter\"><img aria-describedby=\"caption-attachment-7991\" loading=\"lazy\" class=\"size-large wp-image-7991\" src=\"http:\/\/urban-plains.com\/2016\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/04\/thoughts-1124x1121.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"1124\" height=\"1121\" srcset=\"https:\/\/urban-plains.com\/2016\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/04\/thoughts-1124x1121.jpg 1124w, https:\/\/urban-plains.com\/2016\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/04\/thoughts-300x300.jpg 300w, https:\/\/urban-plains.com\/2016\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/04\/thoughts-400x399.jpg 400w, https:\/\/urban-plains.com\/2016\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/04\/thoughts-1170x1167.jpg 1170w, https:\/\/urban-plains.com\/2016\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/04\/thoughts-440x439.jpg 440w, https:\/\/urban-plains.com\/2016\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/04\/thoughts-585x584.jpg 585w, https:\/\/urban-plains.com\/2016\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/04\/thoughts-1250x1247.jpg 1250w, https:\/\/urban-plains.com\/2016\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/04\/thoughts-200x200.jpg 200w, https:\/\/urban-plains.com\/2016\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/04\/thoughts.jpg 1701w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1124px) 100vw, 1124px\" \/>Alienating Thoughts, Woodcut Print, Kayla Parker (Marple) 2016<\/p><\/div>\n\n<h6>Addressing the Issue<\/h6>\nAndy Lange has also dealt with OCD throughout his life. \u201cWhen I was a little kid, I remember I once put a piece of paper up my nose,\u201d Lange said. \u201cMy dad had to get it out with tweezers. After that, I would always obsess about, \u2018What if something goes up my nose and I have to go the doctor?\u2019 My parents would be like, \u2018What are you talking about?\u2019\u201d When he was 13, he had a panic attack and went to the ER. He couldn\u2019t breathe. There, he was told that he had an anxiety disorder. <\/span><\/p>\nOCD used to be considered an anxiety disorder, but was recently reclassified to its own section in the latest Diagnostic Statistical Manual used by mental health professionals to diagnose mental illnesses. However, OCD still shares many characteristics with anxiety disorders.<\/span><\/p>\nBeing diagnosed with a mental illness doesn\u2019t mean that the disease exists in the brain in isolation. The brain is a physical part of the body, and the illness affects other physical systems as well.<\/span><\/p>\nFor Lange, the symptoms began showing up as physical signs before the mental component arose. \u201cEarly on, it was just physical. I couldn\u2019t really breathe,\u201d Lange said. \u201cThen, when I was 14, 15, 16, I started getting more concerned about things. <\/span><\/p>\n\u201cI started going to therapy when I was maybe 16. At that time, I saw a therapist for a while in early high school. At that point, I was diagnosed with having generalized anxiety disorder.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\nPrior to seeing his therapist, Lange sought out help from his family doctor. However, finding the right doctor who is knowledgeable in both what mental health looks like and how to treat it can be a challenge. <\/span><\/p>\n\u201cMy family doctor at the time was pretty old,\u201d Lange said. \u201cHe didn\u2019t seem very knowledgeable about mental health. I went to him one time. I was dealing with a lot of constant worry and dread and stress. He didn\u2019t really give me much. He told me that I should go on medication. And I thought, \u2018For what?\u2019 He didn\u2019t really diagnose me with anything.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n<div id=\"attachment_7992\" style=\"width: 1134px\" class=\"wp-caption aligncenter\"><img aria-describedby=\"caption-attachment-7992\" loading=\"lazy\" class=\"size-large wp-image-7992\" src=\"http:\/\/urban-plains.com\/2016\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/04\/candy_coated-1124x1117.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"1124\" height=\"1117\" srcset=\"https:\/\/urban-plains.com\/2016\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/04\/candy_coated-1124x1117.jpg 1124w, https:\/\/urban-plains.com\/2016\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/04\/candy_coated-400x397.jpg 400w, https:\/\/urban-plains.com\/2016\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/04\/candy_coated-1170x1162.jpg 1170w, https:\/\/urban-plains.com\/2016\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/04\/candy_coated-440x437.jpg 440w, https:\/\/urban-plains.com\/2016\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/04\/candy_coated-585x581.jpg 585w, https:\/\/urban-plains.com\/2016\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/04\/candy_coated-1250x1242.jpg 1250w, https:\/\/urban-plains.com\/2016\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/04\/candy_coated-200x200.jpg 200w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1124px) 100vw, 1124px\" \/>Candy Coated, Mixed Media, Kayla Parker (Marple) 2016<\/p><\/div>\n<h6>Diagnosis & Treatment<\/h6>\nLange finally looked up a local therapist. When Lange got there, he asked if the therapist thought he had OCD. The therapist told him he thought he was mainly just anxious. <\/span><\/p>\nPart of this may be because it\u2019s not always easy to spy OCD when the symptoms are hidden. And with the version of OCD the media has enforced, it\u2019s hard to know what it truly is and how it may be affecting someone.<\/span><\/p>\nZach Pacha, a therapist who works for the Counseling Associates of Central Iowa, PC, knows what OCD looks like in real life. \u201cThe big problem with OCD is a person has these recurring thoughts,\u201d Pacha said. \u201cThey don\u2019t want them, they\u2019re thoughts that they\u2019d rather just not have, and they kind of keep going.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\nLike a scratched record, these thoughts keep replaying themselves over and over again. There\u2019s no way to switch them off, but that doesn\u2019t mean we don\u2019t try. However, often the actions we take to silence the noise only makes it louder.<\/span><\/p>\n\u201cObsessions, obviously, they come up, they come up, they come up, and we do everything we can to get them out of our head. The problem with that is every time we try to push them away, or do something to keep them away, they just keep coming back, and coming back, and coming back. And they also come back stronger and more intense. That\u2019s the rut that people get stuck in.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\nThere are two big things that therapists focus on when treating OCD: thinking and behavior. There\u2019s an exposure to obsessions and treatment of behaviors or responses that arise in these situations. <\/span><\/p>\n\u201cThere are a lot of hidden things that people don\u2019t see,\u201d Pacha said. \u201cAnd when you\u2019re working with someone, you have to do a really thorough examination with that person, and they have to be pretty honest with themselves about \u2018What are things I\u2019m doing that kind of make myself safer? Is it giving myself mental reassurance? Is it praying so that nothing bad happens, or so that nothing bad happens to anyone else?\u2019\u201d<\/span><\/p>\nWhen symptoms become more concealed, it takes courage and honesty to bring up the compulsions that are happening. I didn\u2019t want to disclose everything that was going on in my mind when I was 17 years old, because I felt like it would only create more problems. <\/span>My family doctors started giving me bottles of pills when I was in high school before I had any diagnosis. I did the whole therapy routine, but I was still having trouble. Eventually my doctors didn\u2019t know what to do anymore by the time I was a sophomore in college. So I started seeing a psychiatrist. And I thought, maybe, just maybe, this would be the part where I get my mind \u201cfixed.\u201d So I could be normal. Healthy. Happy.<\/span><\/p>\nBut it\u2019s not that easy. More medications, more side effects \u2014 and I\u2019m still dealing with, among a variety of issues, OCD. Having that label has helped me understand my mind, and understanding OCD has helped me realize ways that I can help myself get better.<\/span><\/p>\nPacha said, \u201cDiagnoses are really just a language for people to communicate about things in the medical field and healthcare. To the lay people, I think it matters very little.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\nHowever, to certain people affected, having the right language to communicate what is happening inside is very important. <\/span><\/p>\n\u201cThe reason it was so difficult at first was because I didn\u2019t know anything that was going on,\u201d Lange said. \u201cI felt like I was out of control because I didn\u2019t really have a name for it.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\nHearing those words can be both a blessing and a curse. They\u2019re something to cling to, something that helps explains what\u2019s happening. However, as comforting as a label can be, there is the fear of a label consuming individuality.<\/span><\/p>\n\u201cIt got more specific as I got older, but just being told, \u2018You have a condition. This is what it is.\u2019 It just felt good to feel like this person understands me.\u201d Lange said. \u201cI think, in some ways, a label is good because you can identify with other people, and you feel like you know what\u2019s going on it a lot of ways. But in other ways, you don\u2019t want to define yourself by a label.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\nPeople don\u2019t always want to tell you what you have. I\u2019ve had therapists say it\u2019s more about providing treatment than labels, but I find comfort in being able to identify as having OCD, generalized anxiety disorder and a panic attack disorder. It\u2019s not about throwing these terms around \u23af for me, it was a powerful way to separate the person I am from the illnesses I have. When a therapist gave me an official diagnosis, and another affirmed it, I felt validated. I needed to know the enemy I was facing.<\/span><\/p>\nLange said when he was 23 or 24 he was formally diagnosed with OCD.<\/span><\/p>\n\u201cThe more accurate diagnosis is I have OCD with agoraphobia and panic attacks,\u201d Lange said. <\/span><\/p>\n Lange\u2019s OCD has been strongly influenced by his struggle with panic attacks, from his first one at 13 to his time in college. \u201cI think a lot of my OCD is about having panic attacks. In college, I remember having a panic attack one of the first days of class. So, after that, I kind of stressed out going to that room.<\/span><\/p>\n\u201cI always wanted to sit by the door so I could get out of the room easier. I would just kind of obsess about all these little things. Then I might go to a different class that I hadn\u2019t had a panic attack in, I would still be a little OCD about it, but I wouldn\u2019t feel the same level. I think a lot of it is obsessing over how to prevent getting into situations where I feel trapped or have a panic attack.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\nIt\u2019s easier to avoid situations where panic attacks are likely to occur than to face the issue head on. In fact, facing these situations can be terrifying.<\/span><\/p>\n<div id=\"attachment_7993\" style=\"width: 906px\" class=\"wp-caption aligncenter\"><img aria-describedby=\"caption-attachment-7993\" loading=\"lazy\" class=\"size-large wp-image-7993\" src=\"http:\/\/urban-plains.com\/2016\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/04\/insecurity_anxiety-896x1124.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"896\" height=\"1124\" srcset=\"https:\/\/urban-plains.com\/2016\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/04\/insecurity_anxiety-896x1124.jpg 896w, https:\/\/urban-plains.com\/2016\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/04\/insecurity_anxiety-319x400.jpg 319w, https:\/\/urban-plains.com\/2016\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/04\/insecurity_anxiety-1170x1468.jpg 1170w, https:\/\/urban-plains.com\/2016\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/04\/insecurity_anxiety-440x552.jpg 440w, https:\/\/urban-plains.com\/2016\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/04\/insecurity_anxiety-585x734.jpg 585w, https:\/\/urban-plains.com\/2016\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/04\/insecurity_anxiety-1250x1568.jpg 1250w, https:\/\/urban-plains.com\/2016\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/04\/insecurity_anxiety-400x502.jpg 400w, https:\/\/urban-plains.com\/2016\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/04\/insecurity_anxiety.jpg 1387w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 896px) 100vw, 896px\" \/>Insecurity: Anxiety, Mixed Media, Kayla Parker (Marple) 2014<\/p><\/div>\n<h6>Finding a Support System<\/h6>\n\u201cWhen I was going to my therapist I used to see, he asked me, \u2018Do you think you deserve to be happy?\u2019 or \u2018Do you think you\u2019re being kind to yourself?\u2019\u201d Lange said. \u201cI found that really hard to answer. The hardest part has been not only trying to get better and to be less stressed and less anxious and less obsessive, it\u2019s also been just like, \u2018This is part of my life.\u2019 Even when I am doing really well, there will probably be small bits of this that peek out. That\u2019s okay. I think finding that level of acceptance is really important.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\nThis is part of the process of therapy, Pacha explained. It\u2019s also part of being human.<\/span><\/p>\n\u201cAs humans, we\u2019re probably going to do as much as we want to do until we feel okay,\u201d he said. \u201cWe don\u2019t always take doctor\u2019s advice. I like the idea of losing weight, but I also like the idea of eating cookies. The problem with that is there is a good chance for a relapse.\u201d But a relapse doesn\u2019t mean that you\u2019ll lose the progress you\u2019ve made. It\u2019s just a small step back from where you want to be.<\/span><\/p>\n\u201cThe idea when you start something is that you want to get to that 0 of 0 rituals,\u201d Pacha continued. \u201cSomeone going from having to get reassurance for two hours a day, every single night, to they no longer have to even do that every single day? That\u2019s a pretty big increase. Do they still have obsessions? Yes. Do they still do rituals? Yes, at times. But you have to look at their functioning and their quality of life too.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\nThis is important to consider. People with OCD have as many possibilities and opportunities as those living without the disorder. It just presents challenges in certain areas.<\/span><\/p>\n\u201cPeople can still have jobs, they can still have relationships, people are definitely married,\u201d Pacha said. \u201cOne of the common things that comes up is the couples work that you have to do in OCD, whether it\u2019s a parent with a kid, or a spouse with the significant other that\u2019s suffering. They\u2019ll do things that might inadvertently keep the OCD going <\/span>\u2014<\/span> you can call them accommodations. So you have to bring that person on board to help them.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\nLange\u2019s girlfriend, Erin Austin, lives with him and helps out when he\u2019s struggling. However, Austin struggles with anxiety and depression, which presents its own set of challenges. Together, they help each other out. It can be tough when they are both facing difficult days at the same time, but they make it work.<\/span><\/p>\nLange explained that it\u2019s about learning to see your thoughts as they come up and not letting them take you away. \u201cYour thoughts are blowing up like a balloon floating by you,\u201d Lange said. \u201cYou just grab onto it and you just follow it. You just grab onto this balloon, and it just takes you away. All of a sudden, you\u2019re just rehashing these thoughts.\u201d <\/span><\/p>\nLetting go of the balloon and the thoughts isn\u2019t easy, but this visualization has helped Lange through his struggle with OCD. Austin also helps remind Lange to let go of the balloons, and this in turn helps him.<\/span><\/p>\nAustin said that with Lange, \u201cHe says, \u2018I think I\u2019m about to spiral.\u2019 Then the next two days or three days, he\u2019s more obsessive about things than usual. In terms of the \u201cO\u201d and the \u201cC\u201d, he\u2019s a lot more \u201cO\u201d. He really doesn\u2019t have a lot of compulsions. He just obsesses about a lot of things and wants to talk about them so much. Mostly physical health things. When he says, \u2018I\u2019m about to spiral,\u2019 I know the next few days he\u2019s going to take his temperature a bunch of times or ask me forty times if he should go to the emergency room because he has a funny feeling in his stomach.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\nWith Lange and many others who deal with OCD, compulsions aren\u2019t always as visible. This is why OCD is easily hidden from others.<\/span><\/p>\nSo what is the root cause of OCD? \u201cWe don\u2019t know,\u201d Pacha said. \u201cIt\u2019s a cluster of things. We think it\u2019s part genetic, we think it\u2019s part learned behavior, we think it\u2019s part personal experience, but we can definitively say we don\u2019t know. <\/span><\/p>\n\u201cI do know that it affects millions of people worldwide, and I don\u2019t think that\u2019s going to change anytime soon.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\nSo in the meantime, it\u2019s about addressing the problem. Treating an illness, informing and educating the public, and encouraging those who suffer to get help when they need it or speak out when they\u2019re ready.<\/span><\/p>\n\u201cI always found it very empowering whenever I saw people in the media that identified as having an anxiety disorder,\u201d Lange said. <\/span><\/p>\nPacha also believes this is an important component of de-stigmatizing the illness. \u201cHave there been improvements? And I can even say that from the last 10 years until now \u2014 yes, absolutely,\u201d Pacha said. \u201cAnd it starts with people coming forward, whether it\u2019s actors, whether it\u2019s people in the entertainment industry, sports people, politicians, continually to bring it up or talk about their struggles with it. It\u2019s not something that\u2019s just going to change overnight.\u201d <\/span><\/p>\nHe compared the fight for the acceptance of mental illnesses in society to the battle for civil rights or same-sex marriage. It has taken time. It will take time. After all, in the 1960s, healthcare professionals were still performing lobotomies \u2014 drilling holes in peoples\u2019 brains.<\/span><\/p>\n\u201cAnyone that thinks they might have OCD, to just know how much of a difference it makes when you reach out, get help, or decide if you want to try medication, or if you start talking to someone,\u201d Lange said. \u201cThe difference in my quality of life since I\u2019ve done that has been monumental.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\nIndividuals often find different methods that work for them. Therapy and medication are large components of treatment. However, it\u2019s not a one size fits all solution, and oftentimes it\u2019s not all that\u2019s needed. For Lange, meditation and running have kept him moving forward in his recovery.<\/span><\/p>\nFor myself, I\u2019m still trying to find the answers. Oftentimes, creativity is a huge part of my healing process. If I can take the ugliness of this disease and turn it into something beautiful or at least intriguing, then I feel better. I feel like in some way, I\u2019ve turned the bad into good.<\/span><\/p>\nPartly, that\u2019s why I\u2019m writing this, too. In the way that a paintbrush across the canvas starts to soothe the struggle in my mind, there\u2019s a satisfying click of the laptop keys as I share my story, and the story of others struggling with OCD. It\u2019s my way of taking the mess in my mind and hoping something beautiful will bloom.<\/span><\/p>\n \nProducers: Nadia Valentine & Kayla Parker<\/span><\/em> \nActors: Haley Martin & Jacob McKay<\/em> \nVoiceovers: Haley Martin & Gerry Tetzlaff<\/em> \nMusic: Hill \u201cNo More\u201d<\/em><\/p>\nThank you to Andy Lange for letting us interview him and use his responses for this video!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"Just because you can\u2019t see the illness, doesn\u2019t mean it isn\u2019t there<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":27,"featured_media":7990,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_exactmetrics_skip_tracking":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_active":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_note":"","_exactmetrics_sitenote_category":0},"categories":[5],"tags":[],"yoast_head":"\n<title>Hidden OCD | Urban Plains<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, 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